Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

#409: Help That Helps

There are so many reasons to ask for help. Two of my favorites are because I don't know how to get where I want to be, and because I can't get there by myself. I was once afraid to ask for help. I didn't want to bother people. I guess I was afraid they would say "No." I also wanted to be the kind of special, self-reliant soul who knew how to take care of himself: a guy who gets things done on his own. My cancer battle beat that pride right out of me. Cancer humbles you. When you have to ask someone to come feed you four times a day, or mop your vomit up off the floor, you come to terms with needing help. When your goal is staying alive, your image becomes a lot less important.

Hill work with Jake and Clare
I still love my solitude. That is one of the things I love about endurance sports. Yeah, you can meet up with a group in the parking lot, and go out for breakfast together after a run or a race, but when you're pumping up the millionth hill of the morning, just trying to keep your feet moving, no one can do that work for you. You're on your own. Asking for help as a runner usually happens when you're not running. I've found help in some wonderful people.

A proud Mom doesn't care how sweaty the post-race hugs are.
If you follow FMR, you already know that Mum and Mrs P are my biggest fans and my strongest supporters. Mum is always proud when I have a new breakthrough, and she lets me know it. She is a woman who doesn't give up, and she teaches me how to be that way through her words and her example. Mrs P endures the early morning alarm clocks, the mountains of sweaty laundry, the expenses of race registrations and $11 socks because she believes in me. The last few yards of my marathon, my feet never touched the ground, because I could see her at the finish line, weeping.

John's Striders pose in the middle of a training run in front of
the Run the Bluegrass "Chicken House."
There's a community of runners in Lexington called John's Striders. We're associated with John's Run/Walk Shop. There are a couple of good running stores in the Bluegrass, but John's is the runners' Mecca in these parts. The Striders meet up several times a week, all over town, and we also have our own page on Facebook. We celebrate one another's achievements, support one another's struggles, and learn the art and science of running from people who have been on the road for decades. I can't imagine why any runner would not benefit from being a part of a group like the Striders.

Coaches Melissa, Carrie, and Chelsea, front and center
Then there's Coach Carrie. When I started at LIVESTRONG at the YMCA, I met some amazing trainers, my "Coaches," each with their special level of expertise. All of them knew their business, all of them could motivate me to walk through fire or run through walls, and all of them agreed on one thing: Carrie is something special. Coach has been training and teaching for a long time. She runs three or four group exercise classes every day. She doesn't have one of those willowy, long legged, slim hipped bodies that one associates with group exercise instructors. Her muscles are thick and strong as steel cables. Trying to keep up with her in a Pilates or TRX class can leave me gasping on the floor in a pond of my own sweat. Coach has something in common with my Dad. She doesn't give away her smiles lightly. When you get one from her, you really feel like you've earned it. And as of last week, Coach Carrie is my personal trainer.

I have several goals for this summer. The LexRunLadies, another running group in town, have declared 2012 to be the "Summer of Speed," and getting faster is a biggie for me. That's going to require two things: building a house of strength on top of the foundation of endurance I've spent the last year and a half laying down, and losing more weight to lighten the load those new stronger muscles have to move down the road. Coach is helping me do that. She has designed a program of high intensity interval training (HITT) that involves a circuit of strength and power exercises that are already showing me results. I set a new PR in a 5 mile race this weekend, and I'm already losing weight. Something tells me Coach is gonna rock my world.

Another of my goals is to earn a Personal Trainer certification from the American College of Sports Medicine, (ACSM.) Coach is helping me there, too. She doesn't just bark orders and chirp "Good Job," when you finish a set, she teaches. "This is what this exercise is designed to do." "Here is a way to put a program together for a client." "When you're training someone, this is what you need to be paying attention to." She isn't just a trainer, she's a mentor. Coach isn't just a trainer, she's a mentor.

There are a lot of places to ask for help, even for a lonely, long-distance athlete. The asking takes humility and the good judgement to know if you're tapping into a reliable source. Thanks to these men and women, these helpers, I may still have to run my own race, but I will never have to run it alone. That's what I mean by "Help that helps." That's the kind of helper I want to be.

Peace,
Pennsy

Thursday, July 8, 2010

#219: Evening Prayers

Lord, you awakened me tonight with a burning heart, not for my own suffering, but to remember those I love and who love me. Thank you for the chance to lift up your children in prayer on this holy evening.

Bless my wife M tonight. Her sleep is so deep and restful, yet she stirrs at a sigh from one of her family, caring for us though barely awake herself. Grant her your peace and strength as she continues to hold us together. Help me to minister to her, even as she blesses me each moment.

Be with Mum tonight. These are difficult nights for a mother, unsure of her son's fate. Even as your own blessed Mother suffered with you, she suffers. Grant her your comfort and peace tonight. We know that our every moment is in your hands. Help us to trust one another to your care and grant us peaceful rest.

Bless D, BJ, C, T, A, M, C, M, T, and all in my family who sleep with cancer in their beds tonight. keep them safe from the anxieties of the night that would rob them of their rest, and shake their hope in your salvation. Lord, the night is long, but your love is longer.

Merciful God, do not forget those who are seeking the help of your doctors and healers. Guide our judgement and grant us good counsel so that you might be glorified through our continued lives. Be with us when we meet, grant us strength to lift one another up in laughter and in prayer. Nurture our hope. Feed our faith.

It's a lot to ask, God. I don't usually like to be so demanding when we talk like this, but there's a lot to be done, and I have made promises. Bless R and J and P as they struggle under burdens that are so unfair and seem so cruel. I don't know if this is your fault or not, but I know that your blessings are sure and your mercy is sufficient to give comfort to us, even when it feels as if all creation is against us. Please keep their hope alive.

Be with "Fadda T' as he ministers to your children. We are an unruly bunch, often difficult to manage or understand. bless him with your wisdom as he seeks to be our good priest.

There are others on my heart tonight, Lord. Names I know and names I've forgotten. For C who is afraid tonight. For K who is so angry. For D who doesn't know what's going to happen to her husband, or to her if she loses him. For R who, for all I know is awake and praying for me right now. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. You know what they need, God, though I don't. Cover them with your protection to give them peace tonight. Tomorrow's troubles can wait for tomorrow.

For myself? I'm not sure what to pray for myself. Help me to live. Keep me faithful. Let me act again. Guide my steps so that my life as a survivor will be more full of meaning, of purpose, of LIFE than the one I have been living. Make me a good husband, son, friend. Lord, continue the mighty work you are doing in my life. I want to be your man. In your time and by your grace, I beg you to make it so.

Thank you for all the blessings of this life, and most especially for your love. Teach us to love as you love us.

And finally, I ask a special blessing on all who share these words tonight. We come together in fellowship here, drawn by things we may not understand. But whatever brings us, we have the opportunity to love and know one another better in this place, and in so doing, we come to love and you. Be present here with us, Lord, and when we part, go with us that we might take the light you give us out into the world.

I ask a lot, but I ask in the name of the one who gave all, my savior Jesus Christ.

Amen

Peace,
pennsy

#217: Breakfast in Bed for Pennsy

Tuesday in the Park
with Pennsy
Blogging in the early morning. Well, relatively speaking. I've been awake off and on since about 3:00 today. The Weather channel says it's 71 degrees in the Bluegrass, predicting a high of 94. Seems like a good day to get things accomplished early.

My sleep is a little out of whack, what with staying up 'till midnight on Tuesday to watch Merchant rehearsal. I don't regret a second of it, but it has thrown my routine off a little.

I've been trying to remember what exactly keeps me awake when I'm lying there in the night. Tonight it was hiccups. I start getting these hiccups that lead to nasty heartburn, really uncomfortable. It isn't something I can take a pain pill for because it isn't a chronic thing. It only happens when my stomach spasms which only happens when I move, or breathe, or sip water, or swallow. Antacids don't help because it isn't really acid reflux, I don't think. It's just more like belly trying to turn itself inside out. Hard to describe. Not nausea, not really. But very uncomfortable and not something you can just go back to sleep through.

Another thing is this nasty taste. Not really a taste in my mouth. It's actually the taste of my mouth. The doc explained that the white coating all over my tongue isn't thrush any more (great news, by the way) but it is dried saliva. It's like when you exercise out doors and your mouth starts to dry out and get sticky inside. There isn't enough water in my mouth to thin the mucus, so it just sort of coats everything in this slippery film. That's good and bad. Good because it protects all those tissues that might otherwise dry out. Bad because it tastes just really bad. This is all credited to the radiation, the only really consistent side effect that bothers me now that the magic swish 'n' swizzel is doing it's numbing thing on my throat.

I finally got up and fed myself today. That's kind of a pathetic milestone, I guess, but it felt like quite an accomplishment at the time. Here's how I eat breakfast. First I get a large clear carafe looking thing that we got from the doc and fill it with two cans of Ensure. Then I get half a glass of clear water and a 60 mm syringe. That's a big one with a plastic tip, no needles for me, thanks. Now I take the whole kit to the bedroom because I have to be lying at about a 30 degree angle. Too flat and the food washes up in to my esophagus and maybe even my lungs. Too steep and back-pressure builds up in the tube and stuff gushes back out. Yuch, on both counts.

Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy
(PEG) tube
 So I get myself propped up in an appropriate posture and roll up my shirt, exposing my still healthy belly and the mysterious PEG tube. It's about 10 inches of 1/4 inch clear plastic tube with a round bolster that looks like a big rubber washer to hold it in place on my stomach, a clamp to squeeze it shut, and a little hub at the end with a small hole and a large hole. Each hole has a rubber stopper that flips up so you can put food or meds inside. When I eat, I put a paper towel over the washer to catch drips. Then I draw food up into the syringe, open the stopper, put the syringe into the tube, open the clip, and verrrry sloooowly inject food. I take my time doing this so that I don't spill any. It's not cheap, and it's very sticky. When the first syringe is empty, I hold the tube straight up, pull out the plunger, let the fluid run past the clamp,and close it all up. Then refill and repeat. It takes me a lot longer by myself than when Mrs P helps since I only have two hands, but I have plenty of time, so no problem there. Besides, it feels good to take care of a few things for myself. And getting something in my belly always helps the hiccups.

When I'm done, I rinse a couple of syringe-fulls of clear water through the tube to keep it clean. I'm pretty conscientious about this, what with it being a little hose running directly into my innerds and all. I've put enough weird stuff into my stomach in the usual way over the years. No use letting anything sneak in through the side door.

I don't do the pills on my own. Not when we've got all the chemo/nausea/steroid/phych meds going at once. Mrs P and Mum's trusty chart keep me on track with that. Besides, there are a couple of liquids that need to be mixed and my hands are too shaky for compounding concoctions with little cups and spoons. So, the morning ablutions are now complete, just a little clean up left to do, then it's off to the clinic for some more radiation and a new day. Hope yours is good. Mine will be...

Peace,
pennsy

Sunday, June 20, 2010

#194: The Girl From Limestone, Part Four

This is the story the way I tell it. Much of it is factual. All of it is true. The parts that didn't happen that way, should have...pennsy
Part One
Part Two
Part Three

After Bill died, there were loose ends to take care of. The house on Broadway was too big and too expensive to take care of. And she and Bill had bought the house in Limestone after Margaret died. It was going to be where they retired when Bill was done working. Now it would be Beverly's home again.

The old house and its four acres had always been the place where the women in her family came. Gramma Edder had been living there for years when Margaret and the babies moved back during the war. Aunt Grace had raised her family in the house next door, and when she died, Beth and her family bought it. The purchase kept the property together and got her out of Pittsburgh where life on the streets was taking its toll. Bev and Bill had always brought the kids up to "Gramma's" for a chance to get some fresh air. While Bev visited with her parents, Bill would take the kids for long walks in the woods, teaching them the names of trees and plants. The place was situated atop a mountain, thick with old hardwood trees. There were long views of surrounding farmland and skies you could stare into for hours, both night and day. In the old days, there was no such thing as a starry night in Pittsburgh, but in Limestone, the night was thick with stars, like a planetarium. Bev knew that was where she belonged.

She had some work done on the house. Bought a new car. Tried to cram a lifetimes worth of  "stuff" into a house that was already full of four generations worth of antiques, heirlooms, and old junk. She started reacquainting herself with friends she hadn't really seen since high school. Joined her parent's church. Over the years of visiting and catching up, quilting and cooking dinners, she found herself doing surprisingly well. Losing Bill had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to go through, but it hadn't killed her. She had travelled a long way to get back home, but home she was.

She still travelled. She would jump in the car and drive to Pittsburgh to visit Bonnie, until , like her sister, she felt the pull of the old homestead and brought her family back to Clarion county. Old friends in Virginia would invite her down and she would make the trip, alone. It was the most natural thing in the world. Bill had done all the driving for so many years. Riding made him car sick. She felt like she was making up for lost miles. Bob and his wife lived in Kentucky, now. She could be through Ohio and on their doorstep in eight hours flat. Not the easiest drive, but one she was glad to make.

She became "Gramma" to Bonnie's kids, just "Gram" to Beth's. She was all the things a grandmother should be to them. Confessor, conscience, confident, and loan shark. She swore she would never treat her in laws the way Julie had treated her, and she never did. She might have bitten her tongue now and then, but she never clucked it.

She's seventy one years old now. She still drives to Kentucky whenever she damn well pleases. She quilts on Tuesdays. Her grandkids are growing up, the oldest two have graduated now. She still works as a church secretary, though the schedule is starting to wear her down. Her children love her, her friends stand by her, and she is the matriarch of a strange, but unbreakable clan.

She still wonders what comes next. Bob came down with cancer this year. She spent two months with him and Martha, helping to look after him, but that's a long time to be away from home. Yesterday, she made the drive back through a pounding rainstorm. Driving through Ohio in the rain. Now there's a dream come true for you. She'll check up on the house, see what the kids have left standing. Open some mail. Go to church. Get her hair done. Maybe just sit tight on the "farm" for a while. They'll call if they need her. She has a bag half packed and can be there in a day. Meanwhile, it's good to be home. It's where the women from Limestone have always found their strength.

Part One   Part Two   Part Three   Part Four

#193: The Girl from Limestone, Part Three

This is the story the way I tell it. Much of it is factual. All of it is true. The parts that didn't happen that way, should have...pennsy

Part One
Part Two

At first, her mother-in-law's illness seemed like just more of the kind of grumpiness that they had come to recognize as Julie's personality. She was still a doting mother and spoiled her grandkids with five dollar bills and Three Musketeers bars whenever no one was looking. But she started having strange delusions. One day she told Bev that it was a shame the way the young preacher came to visit with her right out in the open when he had a wife and kids at home. The poor guy was thunderstruck. He thought he was visiting a little old lady. She thought he had come courting. She became convinced that the apartment building across the street was a "sporting house." She would watch folks coming in and out and shake her head at where the neighborhood was headed. Worst of all, she became convinced that Bev was hurting her.

She would tell the kids stories of how their mother was stealing from her. When Bob came home from college, she showed him invisible bruises and described how Bev would beat her with brooms in the middle of the day. It was torture for Bev. She could not have given better care to her own mother. She would clean for Julie, and help her to the bathroom. She took her to the store and to doctor's appointments. Bev was her primary caregiver and as is so tragically often the case, she bore the brunt of all of the dying woman's frustration and anger. The last few years, Bev felt all alone. No one outside of the house really knew what was going on with Julie. Bill and the kids tried to reason with their grandma, tell her that Bev loved her, would never hurt her, but she was intractable. When Julie died, it was like a terrible weight had been lifted, but the shame of that relief stayed with both Bev and Bill for many years.

Back home in Limestone, George had passed after a difficult battle with lung cancer. Margaret struggled on for many years, doing her best to hold the family together. In 1989, all three kids got married within a few months of one another. Grandchildren came. Margaret passed away in the Cleveland Clinic not long after that. She had had heart trouble for many years, and finally the old engine that had brought her young family back home during the war just couldn't run any longer. She passed on the shores of Lake Erie, still safe from the Germans, just the way George and the US Navy had left them.

Bev and Bill were in their fifties now. Bill still worked hard, putting money away for retirement. He had worked two jobs for so long that he wouldn't have known what to do with himself otherwise. Bev was the secretary at church, finally putting all that business training to work. She kept records, filed reports, answered the phone calls, both urgent and routine that come into a church every day. She blossomed into one of the respected members of their community. Then one day, in the upstairs hall, Bill fell to his knees. He felt the pain in the arm and the crush in the chest that his Boy Scout training had taught him meant heart attack. He was in trouble.

She sat in the hospital room while he tried to sleep, keeping all the kids updated by phone. So much had happened to them. So many changes. They had been through a lot and they had stayed together. Fewer and fewer did, these days. She cursed the cigarettes and ice cream sundaes. She watched the numbers on his monitors go up and down. So much had always gone unspoken between them. Now, there was nothing left to say. This attack did not kill him. But they both knew that the next one would. The next year was filled with waiting for that deadly other shoe to drop. He quit smoking, though he used to sneak them in the basement where his woodshop stood filled with unfinished projects. She went to work while he did his best to keep busy in spite of the depression that gripped him. Sitting still made him crazy. He used to work the night shift at the paper, drive school bus in the morning, sleep a few hours, then get up and go work at church or with the scouts. Now the politics and pettiness of church made him sick. He resigned as an elder after a long battle on behalf of the church custodian who deserved a raise but couldn't get one because of one stubborn old man on the board who would not budge. In 1996, the Steelers lost the Super Bowl to the Dallas Cowboys, and the next day, Bill died on the floor of a hospital room. He was 58 years old.
Bev had gone from her mother's house to a boarding house to her mother-in-law's house. Now, she was alone in her own house. Once all the mourners had left and the kids had gone home, she looked around and wondered just what she was supposed to do now.


Part One   Part Two   Part Three   Part Four

#192: The Girl From Limestone, Part Two

As I said in Part One, This is the story the way I tell it. Much of it is factual. All of it is true. The parts that didn't happen that way, should have...pennsy

Bev and Bill set up house in an apartment over a furniture store in Dormont, a suburb in name only at the edge of the Pittsburgh city limits. They would walk to the streetcar stop at the top of the hill and ride the trolley to work at the paper everyday. He was a young printer's apprentice. She was the boss's secretary. They used to laugh that she was really his boss, but she would never treat him that way. She loved him. He was tall and broad shouldered like a football player. His black hair was combed over to the side and he always looked so serious. like a man with important things to achieve. When she told him she was pregnant, he wept like a baby.

They boy was born the following summer. Nothing like having July babies in Pittsburgh to make you appreciate winter. They named him Bob, after his grampa. Bev and Bobby used to sit in the window seat over Potomac Avenue and wait for Uncle Bud's car to pull up to the front stoop. Bill would step out in his white shirt, sleeves rolled up, black lunch pail tucked under his arm, with a copy of the evening paper in his hand. He would smile and wave. Uncle Bud would laugh, toottle the horn, and speed off with a screech of tires making the old men on the bench in front of Pete's barber shop swear in Italian.

The three of them were a family. Of course Bev couldn't work any more. She had help. Julie and Bob lived just a few blocks up the street on Broadway, where the streetcar ran. and Hazel lived right across the hall. she was a widow who loved Bev and would babysit on the nights when it was just too hot to spend one more minute in their house. Bill would shave and put on lotion and Bev would put on heels and they would go down to the Hollywood for a double-feature in the air conditioned shadows. After, they might go down to Dickinson's for a soda or Campiti's for a small cheese pizza.

He was working hard. Studying for his union exams. You didn't get to be a union printer just because your daddy was in the union. You had to know your stuff. Bill was smart and he was determined. He had been an Eagle Scout, one of the youngest ever. Bob had been his scoutmaster. Bill wanted to take care of his family and he wanted to make his dad proud. He did everything he could do do both.

Then, the year after Bobby was born, Bob had a stroke. He had always been a smoker. Liked a drink. Liked a good time at the lodge. Julie shook her head and rolled her eyes. What could a wife do? When Bob died, it was like a light went out in Bill. How could God take his father like that? Not even sixty years old? Never to know his grandson? Never to see his own son make something of himself? What kind of a God would do such a thing? No kind of God worth a damn. That's for sure.

She watched helpless as his smile disappeared. Years later, it would flash from time to time, but it would never be quite the same. Her children would love their father, but they would never get to meet the man she fell in love with. Part of him went into that hole on the South Side of Pittsburgh where Bob and Julie had scratched their way through the depression together.

Julie was devastated. She became angry and suspicious. She was afraid to go out alone. Everywhere she looked there were niggers and pollacks and dagos trying to cheat and steal and kill. She started getting lost, and had to give up her little red Valiant.

Bev was pregnant again, and the apartment on Potomac was not big enough for four, so they bought the house on Broadway and moved in with Julie. It was not an ideal situation for a new mother. Julie's room was immaculate. It looked like a showroom in a furniture store. The rest of the house looked like a place where a two-year-old boy lived. When Beth was born there were twice as many kids to spoil, the favorite children of the favorite son, and Bev couldn't have kept up with a team of house keepers. Julie would cluck and shake her head. Whenever they left the house, they would return to some secret cleanup project. Julie would have polished the bathroom or refolded all the drawers or scrubbed out the refrigerator. She never said a word. She didn't have to. Judgment hung thick in the air like vinegar and pine oil.

Working was out of the question for Bev now. For one thing, she had her hands full with two kids who seemed determined that only one of them was going to life to adulthood. Why in the world did they fight like that? Nobody fought like that. They couldn't even be in the same county together without torturing one another. For another thing, if she ever told Julie she wanted to go to work, the old woman would have torn into her like an angry eagle. Wives took care of their husbands and children. Finally, Bonnie was born and that was it. Three. No more.

The kid's screaming used to take it's toll. Spankings were barely useful. Threats became more and more insane. "If you two don't stop fighting, I'm leaving/calling the police/ sending you to the orphanage where they'll beat you with electric cords till you learn to behave." She could hear the words come out, barely believing herself capable of saying them. Then she would cry. Hard years.

The years passed, the kids got older. The newspaper went on strike and Bill started looking for other jobs. He mowed yards. He cleaned the church. He drove a school bus. Bev went to work at the pharmacy to help bring some more money in. She finally had a reason to get out of the house and meet people that not even Julie could fault. They all needed her to work. She really liked it. She always liked business more than keeping house. The neighbors came by and they would laugh and gossip together. Later on, she moved to the Stop'n'Go across the street. Bill didn't like the hours, but Bev liked the independence that working gave her. She also was exposed to people and things she had never encountered as a sheltered country girl. She met junkies and pan-handlers. Con artists and crooks. She finally was a part of the street life that she had been watching from under the green canvas awnings on her front porch for so many years. It felt good to be free again.

Then Julie started getting sick.

Part One   Part Two   Part Three   Part Four

#191: The Girl From Limestone, Part One

This is the story the way I tell it. Much of it is factual. All of it is true. The parts that didn't happen that way, should have...pennsy

She was born in Hershey, Pennsylvania, a beautiful little village in the mountains of Pennsyltucky that smells like chocolate. She was the eldest child and first daughter of George and Laura, her mother who for some reason haded her own name so much that she insisted on being called Margaret all her life. Hershey, at the end of the depression was one of the few happy places in the world, what with the street lights, fountains, and all the buildings being made of chocolate, but George was not the kind of man who could ever be comfortable sitting still. He knew there was no future for his little family there, so he moved them to Harrisburg.

Harrisburg was not like Hershey at all. There was no chocolate there. There were politicians. George and Margaret tried to fit in, but their little girl didn't like the noisy, dirty city or the Philadelphia Democrats who cluttered the streets. Another little girl was born. Life was hard. Then one Sunday morning in December, everything changed.

Strange people from far away killed a lot of other people on an island in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly everybody had a job. George got a job guarding Lake Erie from the Germans and Margaret took her babies home to Limestone to live with her mom. They had a little bit of land, a barn, some trees, a big garden. Everybody worked hard and got by OK.

When George came home from the war for a while, everybody would hug him and he would pick Margaret up in the air and spin her so her dress would float in the sunshine. They walked the gravel roads of Limestone and he would tell her stories about people he met from foreign lands like Texas and Cleveland. She was so proud of him and he was so very handsome in his uniform. He looked just like a sailor should look. They would sit on the porch and eat home made ice cream and white cherries, then George would go back to the war. It was good knowing that the folks up in Warren were safe under the Navy's protection.

A boy was born, and they named him George. Then after the war, one more baby sister to round out the family.

So the girl from Hershey grew up with her family around her. They had a cow and a pig. Some chickens. Not really a farm, more like a very large pantry. In the spring they would plant their garden, In the summer and fall they would put up enough fruit and vegetables to make it until the next year. The depression was over, but they knew better than to go without provisions. She used to lie on her back in the grass and watch the big clouds parade past the trees, nibbling on a green pepper from the garden or dipping a stalk of fresh rhubarb into a bowl of sugar and crunching it down.

George was a hard worker. He did lots of jobs. He worked for a tire company. He sold insurance. Sometimes he drove a van that delivered movies and film strips to schools all along the new interstate highway from Corsica to Dubois. He once worked for a man who helped people to breed their cows. He had a special horn installed on his old Chevy Impala and when he pulled up the the gate and honked it, it sounded like a frisky bull. All the lady cows would come running to see the handsome new bull and George would.... to be honest, no one was really sure what he did, but the farmers were happy about it. The cows were a little disappointed, though.

George tried a lot of jobs, but never really caught on anywhere. What he was best was a Father. The girl from Hershey loved her dad so much. He was big and strong like a cowboy and he could pick her up and carry her through the tall grass. And he could laugh. He had a laugh like thunder and he would joke and poke fun and they loved each other very much.

The little girl grew up into a pretty young woman. She learned to play the big old piano in the dining room and she studied hard and when it came time for her to get married, she was a little stuck. She was a lot like her Dad. She didn't like to stay put. There was more of the world out there than she could see from Margaret's rhubarb patch, and she wanted to see it. She didn't want to stay home pressing someones shirts and making fried ham sandwiches for their lunch pail. So she decided to go to business school in Pittsburgh.

No one from the farm in Limestone had ever wanted to live in Pittsburgh. It was bigger even than Harrisburg. It was full of smoke and strangers and colored people. Pittsburgh was as far away from Limestone as Limestone was from the Moon. She packed up her Smith Corona and her Stenotype machine and George and Margaret drove her to a boarding house for single ladies in the city. The night they left, she cried and cried. She had never been so alone in her life and she had no idea what the world had in store for her. Beverly Cole was sure she had made the biggest mistake in the world.

Business school was so much fun. She met all sorts of girls. She even met Jews and Negroes, people she had only read about back home. They were just like the folks in Limestone. Some people were loud, some were shy. Some loved to laugh and some were kind of grumpy. She did well in her studies and found a job working for the Pittsburgh Sun-Telegraph. One day a big tall man with an easy smile and a bald shiny head came into the office. He was a printer named Bob and he made her laugh. Everybody liked Bob because he had such an easy way of talking to you. He used to tease her about introducing her to his son. She would blush and look down at her desk, but she wondered what the boy might look like. She was sure he would be nothing like the guys back in Limestone who smelled of coal oil and cow barns.

Bill Johnson finally got up the nerve to ask her on a date. He polished up the old '39 Cadillac convertible till it shined like a bootleggers car. They went on a long drive in the country and he told her about how much he loved the woods and she talked about how much she missed the country. They drove so far that they left the smokey Pittsburgh skies far behind. Bill pulled the old Caddy up under a tree and they talked and talked until the sun started to set. "Well, I guess we better be getting back," he said. He was a gentleman. He turned the key. Nothing. That's right. The girl from Hershey was lost in the country with a printer's son from Pittsburgh who claimed he had just run out of gas. She huffed and crossed her arms while Bill trotted to the nearest farm to borrow a phone. He called his brother Buddy who was more than happy to drive out to the country with his girlfriend Eileen and a can of gas. They laughed about that night for years, but never did tell their parents about it.

She forgave him, eventually. He was very handsome, and he had been a gentleman. Mostly. They started going steady. Her parents loved him. His parents loved her. Well, they loved her, but his mum was a tough little nut to crack. She had only one child left, her baby boy, and she seemed like she was going to make it pretty tough for the Girl from Hershey to get him away from her. Not that she wanted to. Julie Johnson was everything in a wife that she would never be. Julie turned a blind eye. Her boys walked on water. She would get up out of a sick bed to make them eggs at two o'clock in the morning. She ironed their pillowcases for Pete's sake. Her floors sparkled, her window panes were invisible, her living room could have safely been used as an operating room. After they were married, she would look around and cluck her tongue whenever she came into the house. It hurt, but Julie was her mother in law and she loved her as best she knew how.

They were married in Limestone, in the little white church just down the hill from the house where she grew up. Bill and Beverly Johnson became a family, joining the rough talking Pittsburghers to the slow speaking family of George and Margaret. Bill looked like a big band singer in his white tux jacket and Beverly wore a ballet length dress with a poofy skirt and a tiny waist. They honeymooned in Williamsburg and visited Luray Caverns and the Skyline Drive.

Looking out the windows over the forever skies of the Blue Ridge, she wondered what would happen next.

Part One   Part Two   Part Three   Part Four

Saturday, June 12, 2010

#181 The Silence of the Night

It's not so much the silence, as it is the imaginings that you use to fill it in. All the what ifs and wherefores that echo against the bedroom ceiling. I've always treasured these silent moments with God, but these days, I'm finding God's answers to be so unsatisfying. Why us?

I know, I'm supposed to ask, "Why NOT us?" I'm supposed to have more faith than to ask why God does things or permits things or accepts things that are so painful to the people I love. I know, I know God loves Mrs P even more than I do. God feels her pain when she suffers for her brother or husband or aunt or friends. I know all that. It's just that there are some wounds that bumper sticker theology can't bandage over.

I used to spend these evening hours fantasizing about work or running. I would imagine myself succeeding at some goal, making my family proud. I would visualize the curtain calls and the award banquets.

Nowadays, I have a checklist.

Does Mrs P know all the passwords? Does she understand our few remaining investments? Can she find all the life insurance policies? What if she had to do the taxes without me this year?

What if they overreacted to my teeth? Maybe they didn't need to take them all out. Will I ever be able to speak beautifully again? Will I ever be able to play another great Shakespearean role? Will I have to take my teeth out when I exercise at the gym?

Is Mum really comfortable on that guest bed? She has such energy. I'm sure we bore her with our long naps and afternoons with books and iced tea. Is it fair to take so much from her, no matter how lovingly she gives it?

The questions don't come in any special order because they aren't particularly rational. They just come, almost organically.

Was that a burp, or am I going to be sick?

Stomach gurgling or have I soiled the bed?

Fan blowing or ears ringing from chemo?

Jake, the golden puppy, now closer to adult than child, sighs deeply at my feet, wondering why I can't just learn to shine it on like he does. Jake takes the space he takes and lives in it contentedly. He is unhaunted by night time imagination. Jake is just Jake.

I get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. Mix up the nasty witch's brew of warm water, salt and baking soda that is supposed to sooth the thrush that's gnawing on my tongue. Swish, spit, scrape. Swish, spit, scrape. Like gargling with Plaster of Paris. Try the hair again, still holding fast. No little pinch fulls coming out yet, not even the beard. To the toilet. What the heck? What's all over my shorts? Did I just? Yes, yes I did. Are diapers next? Wash. Change. Check the sheets. No harm done. Not yet.

It isn't torture, not really. Torture is systematic. It has a goal, a reason. This is just so random. Just a sequence of disconnection. What ties it all together? God? Cancer? Love? Money? Poor old Job didn't get his answers, why should I?

The preacher wants to know if we're angry at God. She isn't. I am. She doesn't deserve this, though maybe I do. I don't know. None of us gets what we deserve in this life, thank God. But some us us seem to get a very raw deal. Mrs P shouldn't have to bear this. Not for me. Not for anyone. I watch her pour out her life for other people and it just seems like God is piling on sometimes. Most of the time. Of course I'm mad. How could I not blame someone who hurts my wife so much?

There is a theatre festival in the part here in the Bluegrass. I was a big shot there once. Now I dream of toting my plastic Adirondack chair down to the side of the hill and watching actors soar on music and language. Some of my favorite artists in town are playing. I long to hear them under the stars. I want to join them. I want to float away on voices and color and beautiful words. There's no telling what kind of shape I'll be in by July when they open,but I am starving to see them.

I want their life in me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

#178: A Good Day to be Alive

I experienced my first chemo side-effect yesterday and it was a heart-breaker. Mrs P made herself a grilled cheese sandwich. As I made my way toward the kitchen, the cooking odor from that most comfortable of foods hit me like a cloud of poisoned gas. A wave of nausea knocked me a step backwards and I felt as if I might faint. Over a grilled cheese sandwich! If she had made tomato soup with it I may have been struck dead on the spot.

Consequently, I have forbidden Mum to make pierogi. Should I ever feel nausea at the smell of that classic Hunkie delight, I would lose the will to live.

Today was Mum's turn to take me in for treatment. Mrs P got to sleep in. They have decided to switch off like that. Don't want to burn out the girls in my inner circle. I took care of flushing and cleaning the PEG tube myself, and Mum helped me to coordinate the nine different drugs that start my day. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without the two of them. No one should ever have to do this alone.

I was warned about 'roid rage, and I know it's still early, but all I've noticed is that the steroids give me a lot of energy in the morning, then I sort of crash around 3:00 in the afternoon. Today, I took advantage of that in a couple of ways. Mum let me drive to the clinic, which I enjoyed. Then I stayed awake and alert to pay more attention to the machine as it shot me with its mystery rays. The tech explained how enormous lead plates in the gun combine with fine, sliding fingers to shape the beam. By varying the intensity, they can control how deep the particles sink into me. It is amazing to experience, though there is no sensation I can detect. They gave me a brief tour of the "cockpit" where the techs control the whole works from a safe, lead insulated distance. I was amused to see that the whole thing is run by a gang of five Dell computers daisy chained together. Not a Mac in sight. No wonder they crashed so easily yesterday.

Finally, I felt so good when we got home that I decided to take a walk. It was a tiny trip, just once around the short block across from our house, but it felt good to travel familiar sidewalks in the cool morning air. Having a hose running through my abs limits the kind of resistance work I can do, and it queers my posture a bit, but I can certainly walk. I felt no ill effects from the trip, and plan to keep moving as long as I can.

And to top it all off, I was able to eat one of Mrs P's home made bran muffins today with no ill effects.

It's a good day to be alive.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

#166: Don't Tell Mama

What should we tell Mum? How much truth is too much? I made a quick decision. "We'll tell her the facts we know. We will not mention the word 'Cancer' until we know for sure."

Two qualities define my family more than any other. We are Worriers and we are Fixers. Problems at work or at church used to eat at my Dad, and he was always looking for ways to help make them better. Mum is the same way with her kids and my sisters and I inherited the Don Quixote gene from both of them. None of us seem to be able to leave bad enough alone.

So I knew that if we told Mum that I might have Cancer, two things would happen. First she would stop sleeping. Then she would haul her septuagenarian self out to the car and drive alone for the nine hours that it takes to get from her neck of the Pennsyltucky woods to mine. I didn't want her doing either of those things if all I had was a benign bulge.

We followed that strategy right up until my surgery. My first groggy question in the recovery room was, "Is it Cancer?" Up until then, every time we spoke I would tell Mum what the Doc had found and what they intended to do next. I could hear the fear in her voice, and I'm sure she could hear it in mine. We learned later that she thought we had known all along, but kept the truth from her. She called me in the ICU the morning after my surgery and I told her what they found. She was in Kentucky the next afternoon. I'm not sure how Mrs P and I could have made it through the days since then without her.

Mum has been with us for every doctor appointment since then. She was in the exam room for that horrible meeting when, Dr. K told us about what my radiation would be like. She was in the waiting room when I went in to the treatment room expecting to lose a loose tooth and came out with an appointment to have them all extracted. She was even sitting next to me the morning the hospital called to tell me that our insurance company had decided that my Cancer was a pre-existing condition and that they would not pay for my radiation and chemo.

She is stronger than I will ever be, and I spent three weeks "protecting" her from the truth. Maybe I wanted to be in control of at least a small part of my situation. Or maybe I was protecting both of us from having to face the possibility. "It isn't real if you don't say it out loud." What actually happened was that I gave her all that time to worry. Helplessly. I realize now how cruel my kindness had been. I gave her no opportunity to help, so all she could do was fear and pray. The people who love us deserve better than that.

So now Mum is in the Bluegrass for the duration. She can't cure Cancer, but she can puree a mean bowl of chicken chowder. Mrs P comes home to a clean house every day. I have company when I want it and a silent companion when I need one. And when the sun is shining, you can find us out on the porch reading, laughing, and playing with Jake the seventy-pound-puppy.

Don't tell Mama, but I'd be lost without her. On second thought, go on and tell her. Mum always knows anyway.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Sometimes Working Out isn't the Most Important Thing

Woke up Wednesday morning with that most absurd of ailments, the summer cold. Consequently, I have backed off my program this week to let my body do its thing. I even missed two days of work. I was a little depressed this week, but nothing dramatic. I think it was probably an organic thing - wacked out body chemistry caused by fatigue and being sick.

Wednesday afternoon, Mother P arrived from PA for a week long visit in KY. We spent some pleasant time together while I lounged around trying to stay awake. At one point eating a sandwich left me so exhausted I had to nap. And the whole time I'm telling Mom how much better I feel because I'm exercising.

God's sense of humor, at work again.

Today I feel a lot better. I'm going out for a run/walk, then hitting the gym for some fun lifting, just some play time to get the blood flowing again. Won't be setting any records today.

I don't take time off lightly, but sometimes there are important things (like getting well or a visit from Mommy) that deserve some space in my life. It's kind of reassuring that I can take time off without going insane, being racked with guilt, or putting on 5 lb.

Peace,
Pennsy

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Healing Workout

Molly and I just returned from our walk and much to my surprise, I feel better than I have in days. Wednesday I ran the 5K course we'll be using tomorrow. I managed to twist my knee, not during the run, but when I was pulling my warm-up pants on after I was finished. So the Injury Gremlin has a sense of humor, too.

I wrapped the knee in an ace bandage Mrs P gave me and went to the gym last night. I had planned to lift weights and do some light cardio, but climbing stairs was too much to contemplate (I had to use both handrails like crutches to navigate the ones at work) so I just chucked that whole side of the room and made my way straight to the bench press.

I'm still a little clumsy with the free weights. No one has been hurt, but there have been a few close calls, particularly with the curling bar which is just small enough that not all the spring clips stay in place. when something slides of the end of the bar while you're working, it can be pretty unnerving.

Fortunately, Bo the Promatx Pro seems to always be close by when a mishap occurs. That may be just luck, or he may be my personal lifeguard. In either case, he has come to the rescue a couple of times when I was doing something stupid.

As I get more comfortable in the weight room, I'm starting to move more manly weights, but I'm progressing very carefully. A screw up back there can hurt more than just me.

I'm not sure what went on there last night that helped my lower joints to feel better. I did some dead lifting, but everything else was focused on the chest and lower back. Maybe just wrapping it for a while, moving around, and then coming home to some chicken, fish oil capsules, and an ice pack was enough to do the trick. Rest can mean getting more sleep, but it can also mean backing off on the throttle a little and just letting the motor run for a day. I'm still not firing on all cylinders, but the joints are much better lubed than they have been in a while.

Tonight I plan another short night -- just arms, shoulders, and upper back, then early to bed to prepare for my first organized run.

I'm a little excited about it - even though I fully expect to re-injure every part of me that has hurt for the last two weeks. After this Sunday's weigh in, I am going to take a few days off at the gym. I have a 10K in mind for July 4 and I want to start training strong.

When you hear from me next, I'll have earned my first event t-shirt. Mom says when I get enough of them, she'll make me a quilt. That will take a while. But I do look forward to wrapping up in it.

Peace,
Pennsy

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Time for a Day Off

I’m taking tomorrow off, but first, I have some business to attend to.

Shameless Plug

Hey, please check out the link to Step Out, the American Diabetes Association walk here in Lexington. I will walk it, may even run some of it. Diabetes has come to the house of Pennsy and I would like to see a stop put to all this nonsense. So cough up a pledge, pardner. Do it and the Fat Man will hoot your name during his historic first public walk. Maybe Mrs P can video the moment and we can figure out how to post it.

Weight Report

My weight did not change last week, still 366, but my body fat percentage is down from 33.1 to 32.8. Not much of a change, but the readings are consistent, and I am still building muscle, especially in my upper body. I hope I reach the tipping point soon and start another big fat burn. The plateau is not a fun place to hang out.

Injury Report

The ankles are improving a little after my big run on Sunday. I’ve learned that Achilles' Tendon pain is pretty common when treadmill runners go out into the real world. I have not run or trod the mill since then, but have been doing bike, steps, and elliptical to keep up my cardio conditioning. I wore elastic compression braces on my ankles today and was pain free. I am doing calf presses every time I encounter a staircase to strengthen the muscles around the Achilles. I really don’t want to see this turn into a chronic thing.

The shoulder (left) just plain hurts. I jerked it somehow during an errant Ball Slam yesterday and the Gremlin is having a field day in there. Other than rest, there’s not much for me to do with it at this point. I’m hoping a couple days off from upper body resistance training will give it a chance to heal.

Fashion Report

I bought some pants that fit yesterday! They are actually a little tighter than I would prefer, but they won’t be for long. They’re pretty ugly, but again, I won’t be this size for very long either. Just passing through the neighborhood of fat-guy pants, on my way to those groovy styles with waists below the half-century mark.

Best Laid Plans

I was going to try to repeat Sunday’s run this weekend, but I may go for something less ambitious. A mile at a reasonable pace will probably do me more good than another pokey 5K that leaves me lame for a week.

I’m also going to start moving from machines to free-weights. There are few movements the machines allow that can’t be done more effectively with dumbbells or barbells. Free weights have the added advantage of working more than one muscle group at a time. While your arms are working to execute a shoulder press, the rest of you is working to keep from tipping over. Having to control the weight with 360ยบ of possible directions is more work than controlling weight that can only move in two. so I’ll start translating some exercises from the machine floor to the free weight floor.

I’m going to try the following program.

  • Day one (Monday) - upper body, and moderate cardio (run or cross train)
  • Day two - bands, and moderate cardio
  • Day three - lower body, and moderate cardio
  • Day four - rest.
  • Day five - Bands and a long, easy run,
  • Day six - long, heavy lifting, and
  • Day seven - intense run (pace or endurance)

I’m going to avoid the treadmill for a while. My ankles need to learn how to cope with Mother Earth again, so I’ll try to do the bulk of my running outside.

I’m also realizing that my reluctance to track food is probably more denial than avoidance. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to get more serious about nutrition if I want to replace those last pounds of fat with muscle. If I find myself stuck in a plateau that just won’t give, I’m going to have to break down and do it. For now, I’m just trying to avoid junk and binges. “Those last few pounds” are still buried a long way down.

Peace,
Pennsy

PS>>Hey, don't forget Mother's day! (The cats want me to take them shopping tomorrow night.) Maybe we'll just pile Molly the Dog, Mo, Buddy, Kizmet, Maggie, Sniffy, and Dennis the Nervous Fish into the Honda and go out to IHoP on Sunday. Kizzie loves international cuisine. (Molly just loves farting in the car.)

Pax,
p